STOP TOUCHING THAT

I thought I would share with you some of the embarrassing and comical antics that my children put me through daily. As you may have read in my introduction, I have two children: Tiny Boy Human and Tiny Girl Human. They say and do off the wall things all the time, but being 5 and 3, respectfully, I expect that, especially since I am sarcastic and love to make people laugh. Most recently, the funny things I have had to endure involve my children “discovering” themselves.

TINY GIRL HUMAN: TGH is OBSESSED with her business; many of you may call it something else (va jay jay, downstairs, vag, sunshine….etc) but in our house, she has a business. Why? Because it is nobody else’s damn business, that is why. (Pretty clever, huh? Yeah, I can be pretty witty sometimes ha ha.) Anyway!! She is infatuated with it. She is constantly touching it, pulling it apart, and has even recently started putting things near it—which makes me extremely uncomfortable. She will walk around our house naked and show everyone her "stuff," so I have tried and tried to tell her to stop or that she can explore but to do it in private. So far, I have gotten nowhere and she is still walking around with her hands in her pants. Great.

TINY BOY HUMAN: TBH’s story is a little more comical. A few weeks ago, he came to me and was genuinely concerned when he said, “Mommy, something is wrong with my balls.” My son has a little bit of a speech delay for a 5 year old so it was everything I could do not to laugh at him when it sounded more like "bwalls." So as composed as I could be, I asked him what he meant. With a very worried face he said, “Well, there are cracks all over them. But they are not bleeding or anything!” That just confused me further and made me want to laugh even more, but I bit my lip and asked him to show me in the bathroom. As he dropped his drawers he proceeded to tell me that the wrinkles in the skin around his testicles, his scrotum, was cracked and he was seriously bothered by it. I then had to explain to him that that was completely normal, all while trying not to burst out laughing. And then it got harder because he insisted on asking me a million questions, none of which I knew the answer to because let’s face it, I am a woman….I know minimal things about those parts.

Pretty funny, right? Well that is not the end of the TBH story. This past week, as he was getting dressed, he finds it necessary to announce to me that he has 2 “balls” and that his are “way small.” So as I am trying not to laugh yet again, he is bombarding me with questions: “why do I have 2? Why are they smaller? Are they going to get bigger? When are they going to get bigger? This has my balls in it!” (He was holding his scrotum)…..I almost fell down. It was a good 3 minutes of rapid fire questions, none of which I could answer other than “That is normal honey” while trying not to laugh hysterically.

So there it is. Both of my children are fascinated with their privates and it is taking every ounce of my self restraint not to crack up about it every time they bring it up. It is not because I am immature about it; I am just not prepared for these questions when they just ask me at the most random times. So hug your tiny ones and appreciate the funny and innocent things that spill from their mouths….these times will be over too fast and speaking for myself, I know I am going to miss them! So what are some of the most embarrassing things your children have done?