Perfect children: is there such a thing? If you ask someone who does not have their own children yet, I am sure they will answer in a way that makes you reminisce about the days before your little bundle of joy was Earth-side, when you thought for sure your children would always be little angels and would never secretly wipe their messy mouths on your shirt while you were not looking or wipe ice cream covered hands on your freshly washed jeans or sneeze in your just washed hair. Personally, I always thought that I could raise children based on how I was raised; my parents must have done a pretty good job since I am a pretty good person, right? Wrong. Rules have changed, and people are uptight about parenting the way they did “back in the ol’ days.” But I am here to offer some comic relief to this topic! I was an expert on raising kids before I had my own—and then I found out how wrong I was. And boy did I get the surprise of a lifetime! Here are some of the before thoughts I had before having my tiny ones, along with my thoughts now. Enjoy!
Do not get me wrong, my tiny ones are the light of my life. But. Sometimes. I cannot hear myself think. So mommy has to go into the bathroom and close the door—which thankfully has a lock on it—and read a Cosmo or something. Sure the kids knock on the door. I just tell them I am going potty….and then I sit there and eat my Skittles and read my magazine and check out my social networking pages for a good 15 minutes until my sanity returns and I can breathe at a normal pace. And never yelling at my kids? HA. Now, I am pretty patient. I do my best to just talk to them and keep my cool. But if there is one thing I hate, it is repeating myself. And after I have told tiny boy human to stop picking on his sister 43 times, I have to raise my voice due to my deminished mental stability. Trust me, kids will not listen and you will yell. It happens. Not often in our house, thank goodness, but probably enough to let the neighbors know when NOT to knock on the door asking for some sugar.
2. My house will NEVER look like that.
If you took all of the stuffed animals at Toys R Us, Babies R Us, Build-A-Bear and the next top three stores in the U.S. that sell stuffed animals, it would still not equal the amount of stuffed animals my tiny ones have accumulated in 6 years. And that is just stuffed animals. Let’s not forget about the toys that I put together only to have torn apart again in a matter of just seconds the next morning. Carpet? Try clothes and blankets. Do not get me started on blankets—we have a giant box still packed with blankets from when we moved into our apartment….8 months ago….on top of all of the 36 blankets that are on the tiny one’s bed. Literally. 36. Have you seen that meme that says “Cleaning your house while your children are awake is like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreo’s?” Well, it could not be more true. I am pretty sure that my house would not be clean even if I sold all of our belongings except our beds and 8 outfits for each of us.
3. I will never leave the house looking like “that.”
For the people closest to me, they know that my appearance is everything to me. It is who I am. I was raised that your appearance does not only represent you as a person but also reflects on your family. But there are days. So many days. I am tired and my kids are on my last nerve and I have things to get done without enough hours in the day. Who cares if I didn’t bother to brush my hair and just put it up in a half bun hot mess? No make-up? Pshh, yesterday’s flaky mascara will do. Did I forget to brush my teeth?—Oh well, I think I have half a stick of gum in the bottom of my purse somewhere. I will say, however, that I have never forgotten my shirt. And for that, you should say thank you.
4. My kids will never behave that way in public.
Behave, by definition according to Merriam-Webster, means to act in an acceptable way; to act properly; to act in a particular way. In the case of being a mommy, it means you will not have that tantrum in this store, thank you very much. But sure enough, my tiny angels who could do no wrong hit two-years-old and instantly became the shrieking banshee’s that we all cringe at in the store. The one tantrum with ear piercing cries that you would swear were being brought on by your baby being chased down the baby food aisle by the giant tarantula from Harry Potter. And when that happens, we leave the store.
5. My kids will not eat crappy food.
When they were infants, I only bought them organic, jarred baby food. As they got older, they always had fruit and veggies and every meal was well rounded and included a cup of milk. And now they are 6 and 4. And neither of them want anything but Mac n’ Cheese. If they pass on carrots and cherries, but gulp down Mac n’ Cheese and mashed potatoes, I’m ok with that. I will say that there are times few and far between that I can talk them into eating some peas or asparagus or even some grapes, I count that as a victory, even if it’s just a bite. Just a bite and I can sleep guilt-free.
6. My kids will listen to me.
I honestly believe that children do not develop the actual capacity to listen until they are 19 years old. Sure they can hear us just fine. But to them, we might as well be Charlie Brown’s teacher mumbling every word.
7. I will never negotiate with or bribe my children.
Screaming in the store? Mommy really needs to buy these groceries to feed you and your brother dinner for the next week so please eat these fruit snacks and stop crying so I can get this done without having to leave the cart where it is to just walk out and prevent other shoppers from buying ear plugs. Negotiate? I prefer to call it: learning to make smart choices; it makes them successful at being independent in the future. Or at least that is what I want them, and you, to think. In reality, negotiating gets me my way because I only give them options that make me happy. For example, if Tiny Boy Human wants to play the Wii, he has to give me 20 jumping jacks and 5 minutes of preschool yoga. If he doesn’t, I get to finish reading my book for my Ethics class while he plays princess castle with his sister. It is a win/win: he gets some exercise in before being a couch potato playing video games, or his sister gets to dress him and have a tea party….either way, I still get to read my book.
8. I will never be late, ever.
My children are only fast when it is on their time. Potty break? Stop short of being totally finished, pass on toilet paper and pull up your pants in such a rush that they are all bunched at the top in a folded over kind of way that makes them 3 inches shorter at the bottom and rolled up with your underwear. Bedtime? Chase the puppy around until she hides in her crate and pees and starts crying and then start wrestle-mania in the hallway. Time to get your shoes and coat on to leave? Suddenly it is like they have begun walking through quicksand. Backwards. On their hands. While limping. And using a cane.
9. I won’t let my kids stop me from running errands.
Going to the bank requires more preparation than moving across the country! It is exhausting. Sure we try to schedule things around nap time—excuse me, REST time; God forbid I say the “n-a-p” word around my children!—but it is not always possible! Sometimes I do not know how I am not in therapy for some of the experiences I have had while running errands with my children. Or in jail. There was an occasion….it was rough….we are not going to relive it.
10. I will not allow my children to watch TV.
“TV will make them lazy!” Nope. It will keep them out of my hair. I am not afraid to admit this to you all: TV is a magical device that I use daily to get stuff done. I can turn something on that beautiful 47” box and they will stay out of my kitchen while I am making dinner! It is fantastic! I will say that my tiny ones have to exercise daily for the use of their video games and such, so I do not feel AS guilty about letting them watch so much TV. Ok, I do not feel guilty at all. That thin screen has helped me keep my sanity more times than I can remember.
Becoming a Parent has changed my mind about so much. I have learned that patience and endurance can be tested to its breaking point and then pushed even further. And that you will survive it anyway. Now, if you will excuse me, I think I have some dried mac and cheese dried in my hair so I believe I will turn the TV on for the tiny ones and grab some solitary silence in the shower…or at least until they start knocking on the door in two minutes asking me for juice. Leave some comments! Tell us what your thoughts on having children would be like and how they have changed since you welcomed your tiny ones into the world!
LOL It is great to know I'm not the only parent like this. My youngest once threw a fit in a store over a sucker (yes a silly sucker) and this was the 5th one in 7 days. I was so fed up that I set my basket down, sat on the ground, and started crying while telling my youngest this is what she looked like. All she could do was stare at me and the cashier was laughing. We got our stuff and on the way home my baby said "I'm sorry mommy". Unfortunately it only lasted a few days and then it was back to tantrums and crying..... But I love them anyways!
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