Pink Warrior: The Fear

I have a few fears when it comes to my kids and my cancer. Some of my fears are silly and some are downright frightful. Sometimes I just don’t know how to handle the feelings I have. We will start out with the silly one.
My treatment right now consists of 2 meds and there are very little side effects. I have a burst of energy the day after because of the steroids they give me but then I have a bad crash. I get really tired and have absolutely no energy. The fear I have is that I will have to go back on the heavy drug. When I’m on the heavy drug I lose my hair and drop a lot of weight. I also get very pale and you can tell I’m sick. I am afraid my girls will be ashamed of the way their mom looks. I fear my youngest (6) will be afraid of the way I look, like she was when I was in the hospital. I hated to have them see me like that and the look of sadness on their faces.
The second fear I have is that I will get sick and the court will take my kids and place them with their father. Some are thinking, “why would that be an issue?” Well I would only see them on his time because that is how it was when I was in the hospital. In the 6 months I was in the hospital I saw them a total of 4 times when they were with him. If I end up back in the hospital I will see them a lot less, if at all. I’m just fearful of losing my kids, that would crush my heart.
My last fear is the one that is frightful. I’m afraid of death and leaving my girls. I know that someday I will get the diagnosis but I just hope that it is very far away. I am afraid of leaving my kids motherless. Yes their dad has a girlfriend but she is not someone I want raising my girls. She is the reason their dad and I are no longer together. She thinks it is ok to be close friends with someone for 10+ years and then sleep with their husband. Her morals and way of thinking are not what I want for my girls. Yes they love her but they don’t understand what she did. If I die I have the fear that they will end up on drugs and pregnant at 16. I hope that I live long enough to raise my girls the right way. I hope that I can teach them the important things and how to be good, respectful, successful women. I am also afraid that if I die anytime soon my beautiful girls will forget me. I know their dad wouldn’t keep my memory alive. He wouldn’t tell them happy/good stories about me. He would never tell them what a good person I was or how much I loved them. He wouldn’t talk about me at all. My girls are 6 and 8 and they need their mom. I just hope I am wrong about him.
By no means will I ever give up my fight. I will do anything and everything to live for as long as I can. Yes I have been putting together letters, pictures, birthday cards, and videos for my girls if something were to happen. Also they will have this blog to read (thank you SMU) when they get older. But who’s to say their father (he hates me with a vengeance) will give the stuff to them. If I were to pass away he would make sure his "slore" would become mom. That just makes me sick. So I pray daily for the good lord to keep blessing me with life.